The ‘Obsolete Mum’: What now, when the full-time job ends?

Most mothers step into parenthood dreaming of being the best they can be. We are driven by love, high expectations, and a fear of the unknown. For me, the moment I held my children for the first time, everything changed. I became their world, their protector, their home. I poured myself into motherhood with a love that’s still immeasurable.

But what happens when that full-time job ends?

When our children grow into adults and begin living their own lives, just as they should, we suddenly find ourselves…. not needed in the same way. And while we’re proud of them for becoming independent, responsible humans, it leaves many of us with a deep, unspoken grief. A quiet ache of feeling invisible, even obsolete.

The Silent Detachment

It’s healthy for our children to detach, to make their own choices and leave the nest. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. They begin their own journeys, just as we did. They learn through their own mistakes, testing limits, and navigating life.

Meanwhile, we’re left with the stillness. The quiet. The space where we once ran the household as chef, nurse, cleaner, teacher, taxi driver, therapist, peacekeeper, and bodyguard.. all rolled into one. We wore so many hats, and suddenly, we’re left holding… none.

There’s pride, of course. and also grief. A grief no one talks about. The grief of a woman who wonders: “Who am I now?”

The Unseen Role Shift

As mothers, we often carry guilt for the things we did, the things we wish we’d done differently, and the impossible standard we tried to uphold. We remember sleepless nights, schoolyard goodbyes, teenage defiance, the panic of late-night waiting, the rollercoaster of emotions. But we also remember the joy! The sleepy cuddles, the tiny hands, the laughter echoing through the house.

And now… they’re grown and we’re left to grow too, whether we’re ready or not.

The Awakening

I found myself in a place I didn’t recognise anymore. I felt like someone had cut a lifeline cord, and I was slowly drifting. The woman who entered the motherhood vortex decades ago didn’t know who she was once she emerged on the other side.

But this was the beginning of a different journey. A reclamation! It started with one small step: putting myself first.

For years, I had been so used to putting my children first that I had to re-learn what it meant to belong to myself. I began to care for my needs, listen to my heart, honour my emotions, and appreciate the woman I’d become.

What I gave to my children shaped who they are and now, how I show up for myself is the next lesson I offer them. Our role doesn’t just stop. It evolves. Motherhood doesn’t end. It transforms.

They’re still watching, still learning from us, even when they’re all grown up.

From Obsolete to Evolving

As you step into this new season, know this: You are not obsolete, you are evolving. And in doing so, you are teaching your children how to grow, how to grieve, how to rise , just by being real.

Set boundaries. Own your mistakes. Let go of perfection. Let yourself expand. You are still the guide, just in a different way.

And then the day comes: A phone call for advice. A recipe request. A quiet moment shared. Maybe, one day, the honour of becoming a grandmother — because you did it. Now, it’s their turn.

We never stop being mothers. We simply grow into a new version.

From One Mother to Another

I share more about this journey in my book, An Inside Job – A Practical Guide to Finding Your True Self. Through five levels of transformation, I walk with you from darkness to light. With tools to help you meet any life transition with grace, courage, and purpose.

I’ve lived through the unraveling of a life that no longer fit and created one where I finally feel at home within myself.

No one can change your life for you but you can take the lead.

Because your life — just like mine — is an inside job.

-Rose Monaco

www.rosemonaco.com